Memoirs of a Dark Lord: The Untold Story
by potato-magic
Summary: Have you ever wondered what the Dark Lord does in his spare time? Well I've got answers! These drabbles are the (mostly ridiculous) untold story of what it's like living with good old Voldey. Only real warning is some mild language and even milder innuendos.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: This is really just my secondary story so I'm not sure how often this will be updated, but I'll try my best. Just a warning- all of this is complete nonsense and is not intended to make much sense canon wise. I don't own anything about this story except the rather ridiculous situations I am putting these characters in. **_

_**Please Enjoy **_

.

"…So then I said to her," there was a little chuckle, "I said, Bellatrix darling, that man was a muggle!" There was a loud laugh, "Oh Nagini you silly snake! Whatever am I going to do with you?"

Draco always felt uncomfortable around the dark lord, but it was particularly bad when he was having his special snake time.

Draco was sure the snake didn't like him, and the feeling was quite mutual. Nagini always made him feel uncomfortable because he knew that it would talk about him behind his back in parseltongue. It was probably all _'oh master do you know what Draco did today?' _and then the dark lord would naturally inquire and then the giant ruddy snake would probably say tell the dark lord about how he snores or how he tends to sing those damn catchy muggle songs in the shower and Voldemort would laugh. God it was worse than going into a muggle shop!

"Who's a good snake?" the normally creepy voice was nothing short of adoring, "You are! Yes you are!"

It's not a bloody dog! It's a snake, a god damn snake!

Draco tried to compose himself. He took a deep breath before knocking on the door to the guest room of Malfoy manor.

"Come in Draco," the voice was all creepy and dark-lordy again. Draco opened the door and walked into the room. Voldemort was sitting in the armchair by the fire with the bloody snake lying half on his lap. He was stroking the great reptile idly.

"Did you remember to cut the crusts off this time?" the dark lord despised crusts on his tuna sandwiches; it completely threw off the bread to fish ratio.

"Of course, my lord." Draco said really hoping that this wasn't going to be one of the days where good old Voldey would want to chat. Chatting with the dark lord was always uncomfortable. "Where would you like me to put this?"

"You can just put that down here," the almost man motioned to the table beside his chair.

Draco obeyed and put the plate he was carrying down. "Anything else I can get for you, my lord?" He bowed his head slightly.

"Did your elves remember to buy more pumpkin juice this time?" Voldemort asked.

"Yes my lord, would you like me to get you some?" Draco felt like a servant. Why on earth did he have to do this? They had house elves for this! He was the heir to Malfoys for merlin's sake, he shouldn't be fetching drinks for anyone.

"No you can just send an elf up." The man picked up the sandwich in one hand while petting Nagini with the other.

"Yes my lord." Draco bowed and headed for the door.

"Oh and Draco,"

Oh shit!

"Yes my lord?" the boy turned to the dark lord.

"You don't need to always call me 'my lord', we live together now. You may call me Lord Voldemort if you wish."

"Yes, of course m- Lord Voldemort. I am honored." He bowed again and made a hasty retreat. He had a feeling this was going to be the longest summer of his life…


	2. Chapter 2

Draco Malfoy happens to have the most evil wizard of all time living across the hall from him.

Voldemort showed up at Malfoy Manor one Thursday afternoon in July. It was the most unassuming day; the sun was shining, the birds were singing, the house elves were cowering in fear. It was glorious! That is until there was a knock at the gate.

When Voldemort comes to visit you don't exactly refuse, you simply try not to look half as terrified you feel and force your servants to put the kettle on (the Dark Lord likes orange pekoe, skim milk and one lump- now don't you forget that).

Sitting in the living room with Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange and Lord Voldemort was probably the single most terrifying thing that Draco had ever done.

"…So I naturally came here, Lucius. You _are_ one of my most loyal followers." His voice always made Draco very uncomfortable.

"Of course you may stay here, my lord. I would be our pleasure." Lucius knew better than to deny the dark lord anything. Voldemort tended to get a bit like a small child when he was denied what he wanted. He would throw hissy fits and no one wanted to deal with the notoriously evil wizard when he was having a temper tantrum… to put it lightly, you would die.

"Thank you, Lucius. You are too kind… I hope you don't mind that Nagini and Bellatrix also stay?"

As if things couldn't get any worse! Draco wondered who he would prefer living with- Bellatrix, Nagini or Voldemort… Maybe Draco should just move out… right away… I hear Siberia is nice in the Summer… sort of.

And this is how Draco's day began… The day seemed a lot less glorious now.

.

The first morning was a bit strange for Draco. He had almost forgotten that they had company so he came down to the kitchen in his snitch pajamas. The boy poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down at the kitchen table while one of the elves made him pancakes. The boy grabbed the prophet which was lying on the table and began idly flipping through.

"Good morning Draco." The boy in question froze. He looked up from the paper to see Lord Voldemort leaning against the kitchen counter sipping his coffee. Wait… was he wearing pajamas? The dark lord was wearing blue flannel pajamas. Draco had never really thought of what Voldemort would wear to bed, but he doubted that he would have guessed that.

"G-good morning, my lord."

"Is that the prophet you are reading?"

"Y-yes, my lord." Oh god, what if it was_ his_ paper? What if he just accidentally stole the dark lord's paper! He was too young and pretty to die!

"May I read that once you are finished?" his voice was calm and cold as ever.

_Just take it, please don't kill me!_

"Here, you may read it now. I was just going to get dressed." He hastily folded up the paper and handed it to the almost man. He got up and headed for the door, only then becoming aware of what he was wearing, more reason to retreat.

"Aren't you forgetting breakfast?"

He panicked, "I'm not very hungry my lord," and with that he fled up to his room.

The dark lord smiled, more pancakes for Voldey.


	3. Chapter 3

Voldemort was lounging in one of the chairs in his room, flipping through Narcissa's latest copy of Witch Weekly when he came across a quiz-"Which Season Are You?"

Naturally, he decided to take the quiz. I mean how would he know if he was a summer or a winter if he didn't?

.

Question 1: It's your day off, what do you do?

A. Go out with your friends

B. Watch your favorite Quidditch team play

C. Read a book

D. Go for a walk

.

Well he supposed he would read a book. He couldn't really go out and walk down Diagon Alley, or go to a quidditch match, there would be a lot of running and screaming and panicking. It got a bit irritating really. One minute he is strolling down the high-street, and the next everyone is running for their lives.

As for going out with friends, well he could… But who would he go out with?

There was…

Well there's…

He could always go with…

Did he not have any friends?

Why did he not have any friends? He was a perfectly likable guy. He liked chilling out or whatever the kids said nowadays. Maybe he should call someone, but whom? Well there are the Carrows, but with them it's all business. Hmm… he needed someone who was more fun… Pettigrew was amusing. He could invite him over and then he could laugh at him, that was always fun… He chuckled a little at the thought of harassing Pettigrew –No! He wanted friends, not people to laugh at.

Friends…hmm…

Was Bellatrix a friend? She was loyal to him, they would often plan attacks together, or deal with undesirables together, but did that mean they were friends?

He called her and within a minute she was standing in front of him looking more dishevelled than usual.

"Yes my lord?"

"Bellatrix- may I call you Bella?" He tried to smile. It felt strange.

The woman shifted uncomfortably, "If you wish, my lord."

"Why don't you take a seat, Bella? Do you want some wine? I can get Draco to get us some wine." He tried to be as nice as possible, which just seemed to make Bellatrix nervous. She sat down in the chair across from him.

"No, thank you. What can I do for you, my lord?"

"Would you say that we are close?"

"Close?" he watched her shift uncomfortably. She knew that he usually only had meetings like this with people before he killed them, but she was loyal, wasn't she? What did she have to worry about? It's not like he was some maniac running around killing people for the fun of it.

"Yes, would you say that we are friends?" he tried to smile again, yes, it defiantly felt weird.

"Friends?" she seemed taken aback, "Do you want to be friends, my lord?"

"Well, I was wondering if _you_ wanted to be friends."

She was looking at him, trying to see whether he was doing this to test her loyalty, or if he really, genuinely wanted to be friends with her. "… I would be honored to be your friend, my lord."

"Excellent! Now we can do whatever it is that friends do together."

Bellatrix let out a nervous laugh that boarded on a psychotic fit, "What would you like to do now that we are friends?"

Voldemort hadn't quite thought this far ahead yet. What was it that friends do? "Bella, do you happen to know what exactly friends do?"

The woman looked puzzled, "Well I suppose they would spend time together."

"Well then we are being friends now." he said, and neither of them could really think of anything to say to the other. This having a friend thing seemed quite a bit harder than Voldemort had intended.

After a long, awkward period during which the two now-friends starred at one another, unsure of what to do Voldemort spoke, "I think I have had enough of being friends for today."

Bellatrix nodded and stood up, "Alright… um call me, I suppose?"

"Yes… of course… I'll- um see you at the next meeting."

"Definitely… Goodbye, my lord." Bellatrix bowed a little.

"Goodbye Bella…." And with that there was a hasty departure from Bellatrix.

Voldemort sighed and leaned back in his chair. Who would have guessed that having friends would be so… not fun. Maybe he was doing it wrong? No, of course not, he was the dark lord, and the dark lord was never wrong.

Sensing his general despondency Nagini slithered over to him. He looked down at his snake, "At least I have you Nagini…"

She gave him a sympathetic look and assured him that the next time would probably be more fun. After all it probably did take a decent amount of practice to be good at having friends. And with that he picked up the forgotten magazine to find out just which season he was.

.

For the record, he was a winter.


	4. Chapter 4

Tonight there was a Death Eater meeting, and Voldemort was getting ready. Nagini was lying on the bed while the dark lord fretted over which robes to wear.

"Nagini?" he turned to the snake, "Which one do you think I should wear? The ebony one or the midnight one… or perhaps the black one?"

_"Well what look are you going for? If you're going for sinister, you should keep it simple and wear the black one."_ the snake said.

"I don't know if I want to go with sinister…" he frowned slightly, "The midnight one says, obey me. I think I need a bit of 'obey me'."

_"Then wear the midnight one," _if snakes could roll their eyes, Nagini would have.

"I will then…" he put the robes on over his Slytherin boxers. He inspected himself in the mirror and frowned slightly, "Nagini… these robes look stupid."

_"They look fine." _The snake said apathetically.

"No look, they poof out here- Look- See that? - They make me look fat." He poked his stomach, frowning slightly.

_"You aren't fat. You are the gangliest bugger I know." _

"Nagini! Language!" he turned to the snake, still frowning. The snake gave him a look. "Don't give me that look!"

_"What look?" _the snake maintained the look.

"That look! It's rude." Voldemort put his hands on his hips, "You know I have body image issues!"

_"Really? Are we going to go there?"_ snakes really need to be able to roll their eyes.

"I mean look at me Nagini! I don't have a nose! Do you know how hard it is to keep my head held high when I know that I'm deformed?" he began to pace the room. "I was attractive, you should have seen me. I constantly had girls fawning over me, now I can't even go out without people running in terror."

_"That probably has more to do with the hundreds of people you've killed." _The snake said, sounding less than sympathetic, obviously having heard this all before.

"When I was a man though, I could sway people, I was charismatic, I was handsome, I could wear sunglasses on bright days! Do you know how uncomfortable to go out in the sun and not be able to wear sunglasses?"

"_I can't wear sunglasses either, you jerk." _

"But no snakes wear sunglasses," Voldemort said, whining slightly.

"_No enigmas wear sunglasses either."_ The snake shot back.

"What do you mean enigma? I'm hardly an enigma." The dark lord was frowning slightly.

"_Yeah you are. You're a mystery, a paradox, a riddle-"_

"A what!" Voldemort bellowed, cutting Nagini off, "What did you just call me!?"

"A mystery? A paradox? A- oh… right." Nagini sighed, knowing that another rant was on the horizon.

"You know I hate that word! That filthy word! But you went and used it so casually, like it doesn't mean a thing." Nagini shot him a look which didn't seem to deter him in the least. "You never think about my feelings, its always all about you! Nagini wants dinner, Nagini wants to go for a walk, Nagini is too tired to terrorize muggles. You know, I'm getting tired of it. What about my needs? I have needs too!" he was all worked up. Nagini let out a sigh and slithered off the bed, heading for the door, obviously not wanting to argue.

"Where are you going?" the dark lord snapped,

"_You need to calm down. Honestly, you're getting yourself all worked up over nothing. Take a while to get yourself together, and then we can talk." _The snake pushed the door open and began to slither out.

"I should kill you for leaving me! That's what I do to deserters, you know."

The snake turned and looked Voldemort in the eyes, "_We both know you wouldn't do that… I'll be back later." _And with that the great snake slithered away leaving Voldemort to gather himself.

"Stupid animal… I don't need her anyway. I'll show her that I'm a strong, independent mastermind, who doesn't need their pet snake to hold their hand… if snakes had hands… damn it!" Voldemort said.

He huffed and changed into the black robes with more force than necessary.

The black robes reflected his mood better than the ebony or midnight one's ever could.

.

**Stay tuned for the stunning conclusion… Will Voldemort and Nagini be able to reconcile their differences? If either of them had hair there would be a dramatic hair flip here. **


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N: Sorry, it's unbetad.**_

.

Draco was lying in bed quite contently flipping through his latest edition of 'Play Witch' magazine when he felt the call. He tried to ignore the slight burn on his arm, but the longer you wait the fiercer the burning got, and after just a few moments it felt like his arm was about to burst into flame. Irritated, Draco cast the magazine down and apparated downstairs to where the dark lord was waiting for him.

It had been a week since Voldemort and Nagini had their falling out. As Draco understood it, they had had a disagreement one evening over some robes, but then Nagini walked out, and when she came home that night, Voldemort was convinced that she had been hanging around with another parselmouth and he got all jealous and there was yelling and rather angry sounding hissing, and then the great bloody snake had slithered out the door. Now, as mentioned in chapter 1, Draco didn't really care much for the snake, but it was nothing compared to-

"Draco…" Voldemort was lying on the couch in the parlor of Malfoy manner, surrounded by empty ice cream tubs and trashy gossip magazines.

"Yes my lord?" Draco stood in the doorway to the room, not wanting to enter. The dark lord had been in a state of outright depression since Nagini had left. He had taken to lying on the couch in sweatpants, eating ice cream, reading Witch Weekly and just generally sulking. Voldemort hadn't done anything particularly evil in the past week, and for that, Draco was grateful, but having him not doing anything was equally as troubling.

"Draco, has Nagini come back yet?" For the world's most powerful dark wizard he sure sounded pathetic.

"I'm sorry my lord, but she hasn't."

Was Voldemort pouting, he looked as though he was pouting, but he couldn't pout, he was Lord Voldemort! What one earth was Draco supposed to say? What do you tell a _pouting_ dark lord? An awkward silence ensued in which Draco tried desperately to think of something to say.

The silence was finally broken by a knock on the front door. "I'd better go get that," Draco said as he scurried from the room to go get the door.

As he came into the entry way he shoved the unsuspecting house elf out of the way to open the door. What was on the other side was both the most welcome, and the most unpleasant thing he had ever seen. Nagini was coiled on the front step, her head raised up, looking at Draco.

"You better go talk to him before he starts crying again." Draco said, simply, the only thing worse than the stupid beast was the blubbering dark wizard.

Nagini nodded and slithered past Draco into the parlor where Voldemort lay.

If one were to have listened in on the conversation, no unlike Draco had done, they would have heard something like this:

SssssssssSsssSssSssssssSSssS ssssSSsssssSSSSSSssssSssssss ssSSsssss

"I don't care! You still left!"

sssSSSSsssSssssssssSsssssssS SsssssSSSssssssSssssSSsss

"But you told me-" sssssSSSssssSSSssssssssSsss- "No, you said that you didn't care!"

ssssSSssssssSSsssss

"Oh, so now you're sorry!"

sssssSsssSsssssSssssSSsssSSs ssssSssssssSsssssSSssssssSss sssSSsssSSSs

"…I suppose"

SsssSSsssssSsssssSSssSssssss ssssSSsssssssS

"Well yes, they did say so, but that doesn't mean-" ssSsssSsssSSs

"That does make sense..."

SSsssssSSsssSSsssSsssssSSsss SSsssssSsssssSssssssSSS

"Those were good times…"

sssSSssSssSssssS

"Oh yes, and that time we destroyed an entire village!"

SSSssssSSssssSSsssSSssSsssss SssssSssssSssSSSSssssSss

"Oh, I missed you so much!"

sSSSssssSSSssssssSSss

"Don't you ever do that again!"

SSSssssssSSssSssSsssssSssssS Ss

.

And also, like Draco, you would have been quite confused, because I will assume you don't understand parseltongue, but Draco's spirits did lift, because from what he gathered the relationship between Nagini and Voldemort had been restored.

And with a smile he went back upstairs to read that fascinating article on filthy mud bloods ;)


End file.
